January 20, 2014
Five months ago this day was just a normal day. I was 36 weeks pregnant with my first baby. He was a boy and was very healthy. I had a doctor's appointment that day, and I was so excited to go see my baby and hear his heart beat! I thought for sure he was going to come a little bit early since I had started having contractions months ago, and his head had already turned at about 30 weeks; I was being anxious and counting the days.
As I was walking out the door on my way to my doctor visit, I had a very disturbing thought. In my head, I was envisioning my doctor telling me that my baby had died. As quick as the thought came to me, I tried to push it out. I was sickened that I was thinking that way, but I couldn't get the thought out of my head. The whole way to my doctor's appointment, I tried to distract my thoughts by listening to music; it didn't work.
By the time I got to the clinic, I was shaking. I was wishing I had someone to hold on to and reassure me that my thoughts were silly, but my husband was already at work. We had decided that since he would be taking time off for the baby, he would try to be at work as much as possible. I walked into the clinic alone, checked in, then sat and waited for my name to be called.
The nurse took me back and took my vitals and everything was normal. As I sat and waited for my doctor to come in, I tried to calm myself. When he stepped in the room, I felt relief. I guess knowing that my doctor would finally be able to put my theory to rest brought me peace. He put the heart monitor on my belly and waited, and waited and waited. My eyes immediately filled with tears as I felt my worst nightmare started to come true. My doctor said, "Where is this little guy?" The tears began to pour. I couldn't control them. I was sick.
Then the questions began: Have you felt him move today? When was the last time you felt him? Do you have any pain? Etcetera. I couldn't even answer one of them: I didn't know the answers. My doctor tried to calm me and said we need to get an ultrasound to be sure. We walked down the hall and entered the ultrasound room. He prepped me then started the ultrasound. In previous ultrasounds, I was able to hear and see my baby's heart right away; this time nothing..... I stared at the still screen- heartbroken. What did I do wrong? I couldn't help but think this was all my fault.
My doctor then told me that I needed to call my husband and have him take me to the hospital to deliver our child. My doctor began to cry with me and gave me a hug. He apologized over and over again. As I walked out of the ultrasound room, another doctor in the office pulled me into a hug. The world was silent. Everyone in the office just stared as I walked out. In a room full of people, I truly had never felt so alone.
I made my way out to my car and just sat in it..... crying. I didn't want to call my husband. I didn't want to share this news. I just wanted all of this to go away. I decided to face my fears and call. I called his work phone and got no answer, then his cell..... nothing. I called his work phone again and he answered. The moment I heard his voice, I couldn't speak. I was crying too hard. He kept asking what was wrong and I finally choked out, "The baby died." He said, "I need to go," then hung up. I began to drive home and my husband called me right back, this time on his cell phone. We didn't even say anything; we just cried. I told him that I would have to go into the hospital today to deliver our son. We then decided that we needed to call our family.
My parents and brothers were out of town for a soccer tournament- about six hours away driving time. I called my mom. When I told her the news, she lost it. My dad had to take the phone and said he would call me back.
By this point, I was home. While I was waiting for Jeff, my husband, to get there, I went into our baby's nursery and sat in the rocker. I couldn't help but think about him never being able to use anything we had bought for him. His crib would stay empty. The changing table would never be used. His clothes would never be worn. I just stared and cried... I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
About 30 minutes later, Jeff finally made it home. When he came inside we hugged and cried. All I could choke out was, "I love you" and "I'm so sorry." We stayed right there for a long time, not knowing what else to do.
When we finally pulled ourselves together, we left to go to the hospital. It was a long, quiet car ride. In our heads, both of us prayed that a miracle would happen before we arrived at the hospital, that our baby's heart would start beating again.
I was checked into a room and changed into a gown for the testing to begin. Many exotic tests were performed, along with every normal test. My doctor was perplexed about my situation considering my personal health and the health of the baby; throughout my pregnancy, he was perfect. He thought a cord accident may have caused this, but he wanted to cover all of his bases.
At 2:15 P.M., my nurse, Staci, came in to give me pitocin. It was then that I realized that there were no short cuts. I was considered full term and had to deliver my baby just like anyone else. I started to feel scared: I wasn't ready to have a baby, especially not under these circumstances. Staci told me that because this was my first baby, this could take awhile. Even though I was already dilated to a two when I got to the hospital that day, things needed to be sped up. Staci informed me that he would be here anywhere from 24-36 hours. It was so unfair, I had to go through all of the pain and suffering of labor and I didn’t even get a baby in the end. Labor is physically exhausting, and I was already emotionally drained. I felt so frustrated and sad. I was given pitocin and was told I could get my epidural at any time- just let her know.
My grandparents and my friend Megan were at the hospital with us and I was so grateful that they were there. My husband and my grandpa then gave me a priesthood blessing. They blessed me with the comfort of the Holy Spirit and that all things might go as smoothly as possible. After the blessing, my whole demeanor changed. I felt so much peace and comfort. I know that my baby's spirit was there with me. He was holding me in his arms and comforting me.
We had many visitors for the next few hours, including social workers who talked to us about funeral arrangements and the feelings we were having. My mom had finally made it there and I was so grateful to have her there with me. My parents decided that my dad and brothers would come to the hospital as soon as my brother's game was over since they thought this was going to be a long labor.
During that time, I got my epidural. It never really worked, and I could feel every contraction. At about 5:00 P.M., I was feeling a lot of pressure and was pretty sure my baby's head was out. I called my nurse in to have her check and sure enough, his head was crowning. Staci cleared the room of all of our friends and family who were there showing their love and support.
I started to feel extremely nervous. What is it like to deliver a baby that isn't alive and breathing? What will it be like to never hear him cry? What will he look like? Why do I have to go through all of this with nothing in return? What is Jeff going through while watching this? These were just some of the questions that were running through my mind.
My doctor and Staci came back into the delivery room and prepped me to deliver our baby. Jeff held my hand as I prepared to deliver our baby. I watched Jeff’s face and could see the pain in his eyes. He kept telling me, “You are doing so good. I love you." After two pushes, our baby was born and the room was silent. There was no crying of a brand new baby- just silence. I have never felt more sadness in my life than I felt at that moment. My doctor laid my prefect boy on my stomach and I didn’t know what to do. As I looked at him, I felt happiness; he was so perfect and handsome. He had hair, and looked so much like Jeff. I put my hand behind his head and was surprised by how warm he was. It was then that I realized that he had never had to feel cold. Staci helped me wrap him up so that I could hold him easier. I stared at his face and kissed his head; I couldn’t believe how much love I felt for him.
Jeff and I decided to name him Jeffery Michael Martin. He weighed 3 pounds 11 ounces, was 18 inches tall, and was born at 5:50 P.M.
I told Staci to let my friends and family come in the room. I was surprised by my feelings but was so excited for them to see my perfect baby boy. As everyone got a chance to hold him, I felt so proud. He really was so perfect, I thought he was asleep. I just wanted him to open his eyes already. The peace in the room was so beautiful at that moment; I still wish I could go back and hold him again.
An organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came to the hospital and took beautiful pictures of our baby that I will treasure forever. Other than the few pictures we have on our phones, those are the only pictures we have. There was also an organization called SHARE that came to the hospital and made beautiful hand and foot molds that are so special to me. I will be forever grateful to these two organizations for all that they have given me.
After everyone left, we were moved to postpartum where we finally spent some time alone with our beautiful angel. We held him and studied his every feature, trying to memorize his beautiful face. We snuggled and kissed him. We talked about how grateful we are that our family is sealed in the temple for eternity. We prayed together and tried to eat the dinner that was brought to us.
At midnight, my dad and brothers finally made it to the hospital. I felt so much relief that my dad was there, and he was able to see and hold his grandson. My mom and in-laws also came to the hospital so we could bless our sweet boy. Jeff, my dad and my father- in-law stood in a circle while my husband blessed our baby. It wasn't your typical baby blessing, but we thanked him for choosing us as parents, and for spending the evening with us and bringing us comfort. After saying their goodbyes, our families left and we were again alone.
Since there were no answers about Jeffery's death thus far, we decided to send his body to Primary Children's Hospital to be autopsied. That night, we wanted nothing more than an answer, but were told at this point there probably would never be an answer. We needed to decide when we were ready to give our baby up so they could keep his body better preserved for his autopsy and the funeral. This was one of the hardest parts of my day. I wanted so badly to keep his body perfect, but how could I give him away when he could stay in my arms? We decided to keep him with us for a while longer.
During that time, we sang primary songs to him: "I am A Child of God" and" A Child's Prayer." We kissed him and hugged him and told him how much we love him. I couldn't bear to think that the next time I would see him, he would be peacefully laying in a casket. We finally said our goodbyes around 2:00 A.M.
I am so grateful for the eight hours I was able to spend with my beautiful boy, but I would give anything to have had more. I wanted sleepless nights and diaper changes and baths. I want memories to look back on, but those memories will just have to come in the future.
My husband and I laid in the hospital bed together for the rest of the night-trying to sleep, but mostly just holding each other. I was cleared to leave the hospital the next morning and went home empty-handed to an empty house.
I'm so grateful that I have my husband and his strong testimony. We have been able to cling to each other throughout this whole trial and our marriage has become stronger. Even though this is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, I would never take it back. I still love my son more than anything and even though I can't see him, I know he is here and he is my son.
This experience has brought me a sure knowledge of eternal families. I know for a 100% fact that I will see him again. It will be the most beautiful day of my life when that happens! I picture our Savior personally bringing him to me. I strive to be the very best person I can be so that on that beautiful day, I will be worthy to be a mother of a celestial being. I cling to my faith knowing that it will pull me through this.
I love you Baby J and I miss you so much! I pray that every day I might feel your presence with me! Thank you for being my son, Sweet Boy!
This is just a little bit about my journey this far. There will be more to come, it's just hard to write all at once.
