Baby Miloh

When I was pregnant with Jeffery, I was excited to know that a lot of my friends were pregnant along with me and we were going to all have our babies within a few months of each other.  My friend Ashley was about 2 months further along than I was and she was also having a boy so we often talked about how our boys would be such good friends.  I would ask her all of my pregnancy questions and we became very close.  Our husband's even became friends. 

Ashley and I did each other's eyelashes.  We had a few hours every other week to catch up, along with hanging out during the week and on weekends with our husbands. 

Ashley delivered Miloh on December 12.  I always remembered because his birthday is on my half birthday.  He was such a handsome little guy.  I remember going over to their house and seeing him for the first time.  He was all bundled up in his swing and he was so content.

About 2 months later Jeff and I lost our little Jeffery.  It was a Monday morning and I was supposed to get my eyelashes done at 9 AM.  My doctor appointment was at about 8:30.  I was in so much shock I wasn't really sure how to tell her that I wasn't going to be able to come to my appointment so I just text her and said that I was going to the hospital to have my baby.  She immediately responded and asked if I wanted her and Thomas to go to my house to get anything ready.  I felt so bad to have to tell her the details about why he was being born today.  She told me how sorry her and Thomas, her husband, were.  She said they would be praying for us and they love us and to let them know if we need anything.

Later on that week as we were preparing for a funeral I decided that even though I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything I should probably look my best for Jeffery's funeral.  I knew he would want me to do things that would make me happy and feel good.  I text Ashley to see if she could do my eyelashes.  Of course she said yes.

When I got there she was so sweet and hugged me.  We went to her eyelash room and the sweetest little Miloh was all bundled up in his swing.  I remember feeling happy to see him.  He was surely Jeffery's friend and that brought me happiness. 

Both Ashley and Thomas came to Jeffery's funeral and viewing.  I was so grateful to have so many good friends there with us.

For the next few months I spent quite a bit of time with the Hughes' family.  I loved holding Miloh, it was like he was the closest thing to my little Jeffery.  I knew they had been friends in heaven.  Miloh was such a happy baby!  I never heard him cry.  He was always smiling and laughing.  I loved tickling his little tummy and making him giggle.  He was snugly and helped fill that void in my life that was missing.

On May 20th around midnight I got a phone call from Ashley.  I woke up but wasn't fully alert and subconsciously hung up the phone.  I then heard my text message alert go off and had woken up a little bit more by this point.  I looked at my phone and Ashley had text me and said "Call me when you get this. We don't know who else to call."  I jumped out of bed and called her.  She was crying when she answered and said "Miloh died".  I couldn't believe what she told me.  All I could say was "What?"  She told me again and I told her I was coming over.

We only lived about 1 minute from each other so I got to her house pretty quick.  We hugged and cried.  Miloh had passed away from SIDS.  We talked for hours and I stayed until both Thomas and Ashley had fallen asleep.  I went home and slept for an hour and talked to my husband about what had happened.  I went back to their house and stayed for a while.  For rest of the week I spent as much time at their house as I could.  Even though I had gone through a similar situation I still didn't know what to say.  I felt so sad for this beautiful little family.

I was amazed by their amazing strength.  Thomas and Ashley both showed unbelievable faith.  Watching them handle this trial with such grace helped me continue to overcome my own trials.  I am grateful that Ashley called me that night and that I was able to be there for her and Thomas.  She has no idea how much I look up to her and her beautiful spirit.

We always knew our boys would be friends one day, we just didn't think it would be so soon.  I am grateful to have been able to hold and give little Miloh kisses.  I am grateful to have known such a perfect and pure spirit.  And I'm grateful to know a spirit that is with my little Jeffery.  I know that they are doing so much good in the Heavenly Kingdom.

I miss both of these boys but know that I will see both of them again. 

Tiny Angel

For so long after having Jeffery I never wanted to get pregnant again.  I was scared. I couldn't bear the thought of losing a baby again.  Over and over again, Jeff would tell me "You cant live your life in fear, you need to have faith".  In my head I could only think of the bad that could possibly happen again, but I knew that I was supposed to be a mom. 

After seeing, what felt like, everyone in my little "social media world" having babies I began to get jealous/baby hungry again.  In August, Jeff and I decided that we would try again.  We were blessed to get pregnant right away and I was so relieved!  I told myself that I wasn't going to let myself get excited, just incase.

That not getting excited business lasted maybe an hour and I was calling my family and friends telling them our news!  Everyone I talked to was so happy for us and I was happy for us too! I felt good about this pregnancy, I was very sick and knew that was a good sign.  I was healthier this time around, exercising and eating healthy.  My body felt better and therefore could function better.  I was getting lots of sleep and never missing a prenatal vitamin.  Needless to say I was trying to do everything right.

I went to my first doctor appointment and ended up leaving very frustrated.  When my doctor first entered the room he said "it's so good to see you, I'm glad that you are here!"  As quickly as he made me smile, be brought me anger by saying "No miscarriage this time, right?" I could not believe it.  He would not give me an ultrasound, or let me hear my baby's heart beat.  He acted as if he had forgotten what had happened to us.  I left his office infuriated and found a new doctor that day. 

My appointment with my new doctor was set for my ten week mark.  I was excited to meet him after all the good I had heard about him.

I went on with my life like a normal pregnant girl would.  Feeling good or sick, same thing.  Until Sunday, November 2.  We were about to head to Jeff's parent's house for dinner and I used the bathroom, only to find I was bleeding.  I immediately started crying and panicing.  Jeff was trying to calm me down but I couldn't calm down.  We decied we sould go to the emergency room. 

When we got there the nurses got me in fairly quick.  I was taken back to get an ultrasound.  I know what a still and quiet ultrasound looks like.  And my worst nightmare was coming true again.  The ultrasound tech was very quiet the whole time as Jeff held my hand and we cried.  I was wheeled back to my room and the doctor came to talk to me.  He was kind and sensitive which is just what I needed.  He told me that the baby was measuring only about 6 weeks, I was 9 1/2 weeks.  He said there was no sign of a heart beat but if the baby was only 6 weeks along they most likely wouldn't be able to hear it.  He put his hand on my shoulder and told me how sorry he was and that he would send my results to my doctor.

On Monday morning I got a phone call from my new doctor.  He told me that he wanted to see me at my 10 week mark on Thursday to see if there was any change with the baby.  He told me if there was any change with me physically like more bleeding or heavy cramping that I needed to call him.

Later on that day my bleeding got worse.  I called and got an appointment for Tuesday morning. 

On Tuesday morning I went in. My doctor was so nice and acted like he really cared about me.  He asked me all about my pregnancy with Jeffery.  He took me to another room to do an ultrasound.  He said that nothing had changed from Sunday and that he needed to prepare me for the worst.  I was so heartbroken as we talked about a D and C, which is a surgery preformed after a miscarriage when the woman's body doesn't expelle everything naturally.  He told me that my bleeding would get worse but if I bled a certain amount within an hour that I needed to go back to the emergency room.

Jeff and I left with broken hearts.  I just kept asking, why is this happening? I don't understand.  What did I do wrong? I couldnt help but blame this on myself.  To try to make me feel better Jeff took me to Hobby Lobby, one of my favorite stores.  He wanted to get me a craft to help keep my mind busy.  I ended up getting a loom to make an afgan.  We went home, Jeff was playing video games and I was knitting.  I had calmed down and then I felt a gush. I ran to the bathroom and there was blood everywhere.  I had never seen that much blood in my life and it was scary.  After seeing how much blood there was we decided to go back to the ER. 

They admitted me quickly and a Doctor came in.  I told him what was happening and his words to me were "well, what am I supposed to do?" I didn't even know what to say to him.  And finally choked out "I think there is a concern for blood loss".  His reply to that was "You have to be bleeding pretty bad to worry about that, but I guess I will do an exam." then walked out. 

By this point I was sitting in a pool of my blood. It was all over the bed and all I could think was "JERK!"

The nurse came in and prepped me and the doctor came back in.  When he saw me he said "wow, you are bleeding! I need to call your doctor."  I almost started laughing.  I wanted to say "no way, really?"

I then got dressed and quickly went up to my doctor's office.  He was able to remove everything that was left and said how sorry he was.  He said "I cant wait to get to know you under better curcumstances" and I felt the same.  He reassured me that it wasnt my fault, there was nothing I could've done to prevent this. 

Even though this was heartbreaking, I have so much to be thankful for! I am blessed to now have a doctor who has my best interest in mind and is going to do everything in his power to help me get a baby here some day.  I am blessed to have such a supportive husband who loves me more than anything.  I am blessed to have great family and friends who are so supportive to Jeff and I.  I am so blessed in so many areas of my life and understand that trials have to come from somewhere.  I am so blessed to know that families are forever and bacause of the temple I will hold my babies again.  I am so blessed to have a Savior who, through the atonement, can lighten my load and make my burdens a little bit more bearable.  I'm grateful to know that im not alone.

I love you tiny angel.  Im so glad that you have a big brother in heaven to take care of you!

Im not sharing this to gain sympathy.  My hope is that it may strengthen someone in a time of heartbreak and bring comfort to anyone in need.        

My Sweet Boy

January 20, 2014

     Five months ago this day was just a normal day. I was 36 weeks pregnant with my first baby.  He was a boy and was very healthy.  I had a doctor's appointment that day, and I was so excited to go see my baby and hear his heart beat!  I thought for sure he was going to come a little bit early since I had started having contractions months ago, and his head had already turned at about 30 weeks; I was being anxious and counting the days.

     As I was walking out the door on my way to my doctor visit, I had a very disturbing thought.  In my head, I was envisioning my doctor telling me that my baby had died.  As quick as the thought came to me, I tried to push it out.  I was sickened that I was thinking that way, but I couldn't get the thought out of my head.  The whole way to my doctor's appointment, I tried to distract my thoughts by listening to music; it didn't work.

     By the time I got to the clinic, I was shaking.  I was wishing I had someone to hold on to and reassure me that my thoughts were silly, but my husband was already at work.  We had decided that since he would be taking time off for the baby, he would try to be at work as much as possible.  I walked into the clinic alone, checked in, then sat and waited for my name to be called.

     The nurse took me back and took my vitals and everything was normal. As I sat and waited for my doctor to come in, I tried to calm myself.  When he stepped in the room, I felt relief.  I guess knowing that my doctor would finally be able to put my theory to rest brought me peace.  He put the heart monitor on my belly and waited, and waited and waited.  My eyes immediately filled with tears as I felt my worst nightmare started to come true.  My doctor said, "Where is this little guy?"  The tears began to pour.  I couldn't control them.  I was sick.  

​Then the questions began: Have you felt him move today? When was the last time you felt him?  Do you have any pain?  Etcetera.  I couldn't even answer one of them: I didn't know the answers.  My doctor tried to calm me and said we need to get an ultrasound to be sure.  We walked down the hall and entered the ultrasound room.  He prepped me then started the ultrasound.  In previous ultrasounds, I was able to hear and see my baby's heart right away; this time nothing..... I stared at the still screen- heartbroken.   What did I do wrong?  I couldn't help but think this was all my fault.  

​My doctor then told me that I needed to call my husband and have him take me to the hospital to deliver our child.  My doctor began to cry with me and gave me a hug.  He apologized over and over again.  As I walked out of the ultrasound room, another doctor in the office pulled me into a hug.  The world was silent.  Everyone in the office just stared as I walked out.  In a room full of people, I truly had never felt so alone. 

      I made my way out to my car and just sat in it..... crying.  I didn't want to call my husband.  I didn't want to share this news.   I just wanted all of this to go away.  I decided to face my fears and call.  I called his work phone and got no answer, then his cell..... nothing.  I called his work phone again and he answered.  The moment I heard his voice, I couldn't speak. I was crying too hard. He kept asking what was wrong and I finally choked out, "The baby died."   He said, "I need to go," then hung up.  I began to drive home and my husband called me right back, this time on his cell phone.  We didn't even say anything; we just cried.  I told him that I would have to go into the hospital today to deliver our son.  We then decided that we needed to call our family.

     My parents and brothers were out of town for a soccer tournament-  about six hours away driving time.  I called my mom.  When I told her the news, she lost it.  My dad had to take the phone and said he would call me back.  

     By this point, I was home.  While I was waiting for Jeff, my husband, to get there,  I went into our baby's nursery and sat in the rocker.  I couldn't help but think about him never being able to use anything we had bought for him.  His crib would stay empty. The changing table would never be used.  His clothes would never be worn.  I just stared and cried...  I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.  

     About 30 minutes later, Jeff finally made it home.   When he came inside we hugged and cried.   All I could choke out was, "I love you" and "I'm so sorry."  We stayed right there for a long time, not knowing what else to do.  

​When we finally pulled ourselves together, we left to go to the hospital.  It was a long, quiet car ride. In our heads, both of us prayed that a miracle would happen before we arrived at the hospital, that our baby's heart would start beating again. 

     I was checked into a room and changed into a gown for the testing to begin. Many exotic tests were performed, along with every normal test.  My doctor was perplexed about my situation considering my personal health and the health of the baby; throughout my pregnancy, he was perfect.  He thought a cord accident may have caused this, but he wanted to cover all of his bases.  

     At 2:15 P.M., my nurse, Staci, came in to give me pitocin.  It was then that I realized that there were no short cuts.  I was considered full term and had to deliver my baby just like anyone else.  I started to feel scared: I wasn't ready to have a baby, especially not under these circumstances.   Staci told me that because this was my first baby, this could take awhile.  Even though I was already dilated to a two when I got to the hospital that day, things needed to be sped up.  Staci informed me that he would be here anywhere from 24-36 hours.  It was so unfair, I had to go through all of the pain and suffering of labor and I didn’t even get a baby in the end.  Labor is physically exhausting, and I was already emotionally drained.  I felt so frustrated and sad.  I was given pitocin and was told I could get my epidural at any time- just let her know.

     My grandparents and my friend Megan were at the hospital with us and I was so grateful that they were there.  My husband and my grandpa then gave me a priesthood blessing.  They blessed me with the comfort of the Holy Spirit and that all things might go as smoothly as possible.  After the blessing, my whole demeanor changed.  I felt so much peace and comfort.  I know that my baby's spirit was there with me.  He was holding me in his arms and comforting me.

     We had many visitors for the next few hours, including social workers who talked to us about funeral arrangements and the feelings we were having.  My mom had finally made it there and I was so grateful to have her there with me.  My parents decided that my dad and brothers would come to the hospital as soon as my brother's game was over since they thought this was going to be a long labor.  

​During that time, I got my epidural.  It never really worked, and I could feel every contraction.  At about 5:00 P.M., I was feeling a lot of pressure and was pretty sure my baby's head was out.  I called my nurse in to have her check and sure enough, his head was crowning.  Staci cleared the room of all of our friends and family who were there showing their love and support.  

      I started to feel extremely nervous.  What is it like to deliver a baby that isn't alive and breathing?  What will it be like to never hear him cry?  What will he look like?    Why do I have to go through all of this with nothing in return?  What is Jeff going through while watching this?  These were just some of the questions that were running through my mind.

      My doctor and Staci came back into the delivery room and prepped me to deliver our baby.  Jeff held my hand as I prepared to deliver our baby.  I watched Jeff’s face and could see the pain in his eyes.  He kept telling me, “You are doing so good.  I love you."  After two pushes, our baby was born and the room was silent.  There was no crying of a brand new baby- just silence.  I have never felt more sadness in my life than I felt at that moment.  My doctor laid my prefect boy on my stomach and I didn’t know what to do.  As I looked at him, I felt happiness; he was so perfect and handsome.  He had hair, and looked so much like Jeff.  I put my hand behind his head and was surprised by how warm he was.  It was then that I realized that he had never had to feel cold.  Staci helped me wrap him up so that I could hold him easier.  I stared at his face and kissed his head; I couldn’t believe how much love I felt for him.

      Jeff and I decided to name him Jeffery Michael Martin.  He weighed 3 pounds 11 ounces, was 18 inches tall, and was born at 5:50 P.M. 

     I told Staci to let my friends and family come in the room.  I was surprised by my feelings but was so excited for them to see my perfect baby boy.  As everyone got a chance to hold him, I felt so proud.  He really was so perfect, I thought he was asleep.  I just wanted him to open his eyes already.  The peace in the room was so beautiful at that moment; I still wish I could go back and hold him again.

    An organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came to the hospital and took beautiful pictures of our baby that I will treasure forever.  Other than the few pictures we have on our phones, those are the only pictures we have.  There was also an organization called SHARE that came to the hospital and made beautiful hand and foot molds that are so special to me.  I will be forever grateful to these two organizations for all that they have given me.

     After everyone left, we were moved to postpartum where we finally spent some time alone with our beautiful angel.  We held him and studied his every feature, trying to memorize his beautiful face.  We snuggled and kissed him.  We talked about how grateful we are that our family is sealed in the temple for eternity.  We prayed together and tried to eat the dinner that was brought to us.  

     At midnight, my dad and brothers finally made it to the hospital.  I felt so much relief that my dad was there, and he was able to see and hold his grandson.  My mom and in-laws also came to the hospital so we could bless our sweet boy.  Jeff, my dad and my father- in-law stood in a circle while my husband blessed our baby.  It wasn't your typical baby blessing, but we thanked him for choosing us as parents, and for spending the evening with us and bringing us comfort.  After saying their goodbyes, our families left and we were again alone.

     Since there were no answers about Jeffery's death thus far, we decided to send his body to Primary Children's Hospital to be autopsied. That night, we wanted nothing more than an answer, but were told at this point there probably would never be an answer.  We needed to decide when we were ready to give our baby up so they could keep his body better preserved for his autopsy and the funeral.  This was one of the hardest parts of my day.  I wanted so badly to keep his body perfect, but how could I give him away when he could stay in my arms?  We decided to keep him with us for a while longer.  

     During that time, we sang primary songs to him: "I am A Child of God" and" A Child's Prayer."  We kissed him and hugged him and told him how much we love him.  I couldn't bear to think that the next time I would see him, he would be peacefully laying in a casket.  We finally said our goodbyes around 2:00 A.M.  

​I am so grateful for the eight hours I was able to spend with my beautiful boy, but I would give anything to have had more.  I wanted sleepless nights and diaper changes and baths.  I want memories to look back on, but those memories will just have to come in the future.  

     My husband and I laid in the hospital bed together for the rest of the night-trying to sleep, but mostly just holding each other.  I was cleared to leave the hospital the next morning and went home empty-handed to an empty house.  

​I'm so grateful that I have my husband and his strong testimony.  We have been able to cling to each other throughout this whole trial and our marriage has become stronger.  Even though this is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, I would never take it back.  I still love my son more than anything and even though I can't see him, I know he is here and he is my son.  

​This experience has brought me a sure knowledge of eternal families.  I know for a 100% fact that I will see him again.  It will be the most beautiful day of my life when that happens! I picture our Savior personally bringing him to me.  I strive to be the very best person I can be so that on that beautiful day, I will be worthy to be a mother of a celestial being.   I cling to my faith knowing that it will pull me through this. 

     I love you Baby J and I miss you so much!  I pray that every day I might feel your presence with me!  Thank you for being my son, Sweet Boy!

This is just a little bit about my journey this far. There will be more to come, it's just hard to write all at once.