Tiny Angel

For so long after having Jeffery I never wanted to get pregnant again.  I was scared. I couldn't bear the thought of losing a baby again.  Over and over again, Jeff would tell me "You cant live your life in fear, you need to have faith".  In my head I could only think of the bad that could possibly happen again, but I knew that I was supposed to be a mom. 

After seeing, what felt like, everyone in my little "social media world" having babies I began to get jealous/baby hungry again.  In August, Jeff and I decided that we would try again.  We were blessed to get pregnant right away and I was so relieved!  I told myself that I wasn't going to let myself get excited, just incase.

That not getting excited business lasted maybe an hour and I was calling my family and friends telling them our news!  Everyone I talked to was so happy for us and I was happy for us too! I felt good about this pregnancy, I was very sick and knew that was a good sign.  I was healthier this time around, exercising and eating healthy.  My body felt better and therefore could function better.  I was getting lots of sleep and never missing a prenatal vitamin.  Needless to say I was trying to do everything right.

I went to my first doctor appointment and ended up leaving very frustrated.  When my doctor first entered the room he said "it's so good to see you, I'm glad that you are here!"  As quickly as he made me smile, be brought me anger by saying "No miscarriage this time, right?" I could not believe it.  He would not give me an ultrasound, or let me hear my baby's heart beat.  He acted as if he had forgotten what had happened to us.  I left his office infuriated and found a new doctor that day. 

My appointment with my new doctor was set for my ten week mark.  I was excited to meet him after all the good I had heard about him.

I went on with my life like a normal pregnant girl would.  Feeling good or sick, same thing.  Until Sunday, November 2.  We were about to head to Jeff's parent's house for dinner and I used the bathroom, only to find I was bleeding.  I immediately started crying and panicing.  Jeff was trying to calm me down but I couldn't calm down.  We decied we sould go to the emergency room. 

When we got there the nurses got me in fairly quick.  I was taken back to get an ultrasound.  I know what a still and quiet ultrasound looks like.  And my worst nightmare was coming true again.  The ultrasound tech was very quiet the whole time as Jeff held my hand and we cried.  I was wheeled back to my room and the doctor came to talk to me.  He was kind and sensitive which is just what I needed.  He told me that the baby was measuring only about 6 weeks, I was 9 1/2 weeks.  He said there was no sign of a heart beat but if the baby was only 6 weeks along they most likely wouldn't be able to hear it.  He put his hand on my shoulder and told me how sorry he was and that he would send my results to my doctor.

On Monday morning I got a phone call from my new doctor.  He told me that he wanted to see me at my 10 week mark on Thursday to see if there was any change with the baby.  He told me if there was any change with me physically like more bleeding or heavy cramping that I needed to call him.

Later on that day my bleeding got worse.  I called and got an appointment for Tuesday morning. 

On Tuesday morning I went in. My doctor was so nice and acted like he really cared about me.  He asked me all about my pregnancy with Jeffery.  He took me to another room to do an ultrasound.  He said that nothing had changed from Sunday and that he needed to prepare me for the worst.  I was so heartbroken as we talked about a D and C, which is a surgery preformed after a miscarriage when the woman's body doesn't expelle everything naturally.  He told me that my bleeding would get worse but if I bled a certain amount within an hour that I needed to go back to the emergency room.

Jeff and I left with broken hearts.  I just kept asking, why is this happening? I don't understand.  What did I do wrong? I couldnt help but blame this on myself.  To try to make me feel better Jeff took me to Hobby Lobby, one of my favorite stores.  He wanted to get me a craft to help keep my mind busy.  I ended up getting a loom to make an afgan.  We went home, Jeff was playing video games and I was knitting.  I had calmed down and then I felt a gush. I ran to the bathroom and there was blood everywhere.  I had never seen that much blood in my life and it was scary.  After seeing how much blood there was we decided to go back to the ER. 

They admitted me quickly and a Doctor came in.  I told him what was happening and his words to me were "well, what am I supposed to do?" I didn't even know what to say to him.  And finally choked out "I think there is a concern for blood loss".  His reply to that was "You have to be bleeding pretty bad to worry about that, but I guess I will do an exam." then walked out. 

By this point I was sitting in a pool of my blood. It was all over the bed and all I could think was "JERK!"

The nurse came in and prepped me and the doctor came back in.  When he saw me he said "wow, you are bleeding! I need to call your doctor."  I almost started laughing.  I wanted to say "no way, really?"

I then got dressed and quickly went up to my doctor's office.  He was able to remove everything that was left and said how sorry he was.  He said "I cant wait to get to know you under better curcumstances" and I felt the same.  He reassured me that it wasnt my fault, there was nothing I could've done to prevent this. 

Even though this was heartbreaking, I have so much to be thankful for! I am blessed to now have a doctor who has my best interest in mind and is going to do everything in his power to help me get a baby here some day.  I am blessed to have such a supportive husband who loves me more than anything.  I am blessed to have great family and friends who are so supportive to Jeff and I.  I am so blessed in so many areas of my life and understand that trials have to come from somewhere.  I am so blessed to know that families are forever and bacause of the temple I will hold my babies again.  I am so blessed to have a Savior who, through the atonement, can lighten my load and make my burdens a little bit more bearable.  I'm grateful to know that im not alone.

I love you tiny angel.  Im so glad that you have a big brother in heaven to take care of you!

Im not sharing this to gain sympathy.  My hope is that it may strengthen someone in a time of heartbreak and bring comfort to anyone in need.